


A matter of perspective

by Pingviini



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Gen, IW SPOILERS, Monologue, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Self-Discovery, Short One Shot, dealing with shock, pondering about existence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-08 00:07:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14682342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pingviini/pseuds/Pingviini
Summary: But the brown eyes grant him no such gift as they remain dark and heavy. Unreadable like a page written so full of words everything on it has turned incomprehensible. And then the puzzled eyes turn to dust in his hands and Tony Stark’s mind busies itself feeling sorry for himself as a selfish reflex sown deeply into the fabric of human condition.Or IW is killing me. Send help ;__;





	A matter of perspective

**Author's Note:**

> Oh god. I went to see Infinity war again in the cinema and I'm a mess. This is just me trying to survive until the second part. My heart broke in the last scene with Peter and Tony and there is no way in hell I could ever put my feelings of dismay into words but this is me trying.  
> I'm sorry if this sucks I'm such a mess rn.
> 
> Thank you a million for reading. I thank you with all my heart♥

The apology hangs in the sudden silence around them. A silence so intense to them it seems as if the whole universe would’ve frozen on its axis. And in that silence Tony Stark begins to pray in his head. Not to any known god but of the boy in front of him. He wordlessly asks Peter to tell him he had apologized for tagging along on the first place but only because it had led to his death. Tony also prays the boy wouldn’t sacrifice his final moments thinking about his feelings. He voicelessly begs Peter to tell him he hadn’t apologized for making him sad by not being strong and clinging to his mentor - leaning on Tony with his fears. Pleads he hadn’t apologized for losing the battle, for letting Tony down, because he never could. Even in this moment the man asks so much of the boy in his desperate search for any shred of relief the horrendous nightmare of a reality had to offer.

But the brown eyes grant him no such gift as they remain dark and heavy. Unreadable like a page written so full of words everything on it has turned incomprehensible. And then the puzzled eyes turn to dust in his hands and Tony Stark’s mind busies itself feeling sorry for himself as a selfish reflex sown deep into the fabric of human condition.  
He forgets how to breathe and the part of him that has given up wants the sudden amnesia to give him peace. From life sparks the fear of death just as it’s impossible to lose something you’ve never had.

The man is alone, stranded in an unfamiliar planet badly hurt and the more he starts missing earth and his home, the more anxious he becomes. Not because he has journeyed so far but because there might be no home to return to.

The conversation he had had the very same day with Pepper is replaying in his mind. Parker’s desperate, scared voice echoing on the background. He thinks of their future child who is no more than neural circuits in his brain yet already dead and gone.  
“Friday, take me home,” he says out loud surprised to find his voice determined but for what cause. Of course, nothing happens but even saying it makes him feel that much more hopeful and for the third time in his life he gives himself the permission to hope there is really a heaven and that his cynical attitude shall be his own burden. But his and his alone. The first time he gave the thought a try was when his parents had died, the second after Sokovia and third now. However, Tony is hardly surprised to find the thought still so very unlikely.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry too, kid,” he tells the emptiness and looks up to the sky. Reaching above the rubble and everything unfamiliar, he sees the same stars. Perhaps Pepper was also looking up at them. Waiting for his return anxiously, like a wife waiting for a soldier to return from war. And just like any other war this one had no heroes but survivors. Lucky accidents.

“I don’t want to go Mr. Stark,” Peter’s voice whispers to him and his brown eyes, like the ones’ of a child’s, are full of dread.

“I know, I know,” he tells him with a low soothing voice not reaching out at the ghost haunting him.

“I just – what can I do? Tell me what can I do?”

The realization of how small he is, is a soothing as it is scary. He closes his eyes breathing in the dust and the light air.

“Hi universe, this is me. Just one of the endless forms your quarks take. I wonder if I am a miracle or an accident. I figure both depending on who I should ask,” Tony says chuckling softly. Eyes trying to see through his lids.

“But I feel like I don’t have to wonder the nature of my existence no longer. I know I’m made from recycled parts your stars have so generously given. And perhaps one day, when I no longer exist, these parts I’ve so selfishly claimed mine can create something new – beautiful even,” his eyebrows furrow slightly as Peter’s face once again flash in his mind. The survivors guilt twisting his guts. He presses his eyelids together so heavily he sees stars. Almost as if the scene had transferred itself there too.

“To be completely honest, I’m not comfortable with the thought of being expendable but this situation has shown me just how true that is. And no matter what I do, here I am. Slowly wilting away under your watchful eye. Who are we pretending to be kings on our ball of water and soil, floating in space – determined that we are so important when we’re not. Just quarks nothing unlike the rest of you. And you know, I have to wonder if there is a creature who can’t even tell me apart of my surroundings. Whether to it I’m just a shadow moving on a canvas,” Tony continues suddenly feeling like he owns his pain as shivers run through his body. All around ending in his fingers and toes as if reminding where his body begins and ends.

“Thank you for all the things around me. Thank you for making me feel love and friendship. I just wish you wouldn’t take my will to live with these feelings. Because of the limited time you’ve granted us, I don’t wish to be cynical or own even one nihilistic bone in my body. But I guess once you learn something you can’t unlearn it. So thanks but with existence lives the fear of seizing to exist, whether because you’re simply too afraid of losing the things around you for you own selfish reasons or just out of pure love – but I’m just so damn tired of being afraid,” he finishes his thought opening his eyes in case reality had started to show it’s true nature now that he had admitted his feelings out loud. But it was all the same.

“Too bad I’m apparently a sore loser,” Tony Stark sighs getting up slowly even though moving so drastically hurts every cell in his body. “So, fuck you Thanos and your balance. Matter doesn’t seize to exist. So how the fuck can you tip a scale without adding any weight?”


End file.
